The Ice Princess has a meltdown

I came by the moniker Ice Princess quite honestly. Very little phases me to the point of an emotional meltdown, well except in defense of my children. In those instances there was another name, Bulldog. Naturally, those who interacted with me during menopause would tend to disagree. Yea, mood swings can be ugly. Anyhoo…wedding-rings-on-bible

From the moment that her younger son became engaged, my comadre wept from emotion and joy several times a day. Teasing her about it became my daily exercise. To be totally honest, this totally bad ass woman was media pendejita at times. If she heard the Star Spangled Banner or Pomp and Circumstance she would cry because it reminded her of her childrens’ graduations. But now her weepiness was so over the top that she wondered if she should see a doctor about getting a prescription before the wedding because she didn’t want to take ugly pictures on the big day.

La comadre came to my house  to show me the diamonds her husband gave her – to shut her up. He was starting to get worked up and figured the diamonds would be cheaper than keeping his wife supplied in tissues. Well, when I got a gander at those diamonds I wanted to shed some tears for real. I figured that if I was able to squeeze out a couple I might be able to snap up some studs. Hey, you never know, it could happen.

I was given the honor of reading one of the bible passages for the wedding. I knew I could do this, I’ve done before, and that time was in Spanish. I was just hoping that it wouldn’t be the King James Version, all those thees and thous tie my tongue into knots.

Preparations went on. Dresses were bought. Tuxedos were rented. Family members made arrangements to fly into town. We were ready to celebrate a special event.

Being the family’s official paparazzi, I sat on the end of the pew snapping pictures of the bridal party as they came down the aisle. And then came the bride. Don’t get me wrong, she is a beautiful woman, but today she was stunning. An absolute vision of bridal perfection. She had an ethereal air about her that put a huge ole lump in my throat. (Whoa! Stop that! You’ve never done this at a wedding before.) I got myself back in check quickly, hoping no one had seen that my hands trembled just a little.

The program was in my hand and we had been briefed as to when to get up and move towards the altar. My turn came up. I stood, making sure that my boobs were well covered, and made my way to the front of the church. The internal conversation was a little nuts: speak slowly, enunciate clearly, don’t fidget, and for heaven’s sake don’t fuck this up.

With my finger marking my place on the Bible, I began: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

(OMG! That’s M! I changed that boy’s diapers. I kissed and cuddled him! Look at him up there, no don’t, don’t look. Concentrate!!)

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered…

Well, let me tell you this, the next few words that made their way up my throat made me sound like I was channeling Barry White.

…it keeps no record of wrongs. Hiccup.

(Good Lord don’t lose it now. Breathe Bitch, breathe.)

At this point all I could hear was my heartbeating in my ears. Ba-boom. Ba-boom. (Ugh, I’m deaf.)

Silence reigned in the Sanctuary as I took a few deep breaths. I completed the reading, still deaf, and returned to my pew, where I received a couple of arch looks I took to mean, “You got, got” and a few commiserating looks. I sat down, turned to my daughter and said, in what I truly thought was a whisper, “OMG, I can’t believe I just did that”. Her eyes widening with horror was the only indication I had that my deaf ass wasn’t whispering. SHUSH. (omg, i’m going straight to hell. my father is going to be so pissed!)

Someone offered me tissues and I thanked them, although I really wanted to flip them the bird. After all, I was already going to hell. In for a penny, in for a pound.

The rest of the ceremony continued with no further interruptions. I checked in on La comadre. She was holding it together. She had no choice. El compadre was having a meltdown of his own.

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